For most people used to the advantages of the modern world, the possibilities of dwelling in a country setting seem to be idyllic and charming. But is it really that splendid to escape the toils of traffic jams, nosy neighbors, and potentially polluted air and water? I thought it would be....
Buyer beware: all that glitters isn't gold.
Fantasy: Let's escape this wretched city life and move to the country! It's going to be SO peaceful. :D
Reality: Peace is all your ass is going to have. That's it. Nothing happens in the country. Ever. See that field in your back/front/side yard? Yep it's still the same, just a big ole field o' nothin! ... Wait, there's something moving.... Oh it's just a barn cat, climbing the tree.
Fantasy: Awww look at this narrow gravel road. Nothing could be more quaint than this! :p
Reality: Have fun driving down that gravel road after it snows or rains. You're gonna have loads of joy when you're smashing your head against the windshield as you're sliding off the edge into one of the boulder ridden ravines. Nevermind the destruction to your tires and suspension from the 3ft. deep pot holes.
Fantasy: OMG there's a farm!! Horses, cows and pigs, this is so scenic! I think I just had a nature-gasm! <:o
Reality: You open some windows to air out your crusty old house and get some fresh oxygen. Take a big whiff... Mmmm! Feces. NOTHING will you wake you up in the morning like the pungent aroma of fresh farm shit wafting across the breakfast table.
Fantasy: Oh wow, I can't believe we found this 111 year old behemoth five bedroom house in the middle of nowhere! This. Is. Perfection.
Reality: The bigger and older the house, the bigger and more complex the problems are that you will nightmarishly face, like bad electrical wiring, forget using a hairdryer with the light on unless you like buying a lot of fuses. Not to mention the cracks in the walls where mice can enter and frolic across your bedroom floor while you sleep, or the millions of orange ladybugs who squeeze into every crease and crevice of the woodwork in the bathroom because apparently they like toilet paper. Don't forget to check BEFORE you wipe. Picking crushed ladybug pieces out of your pubic hair isn't as exciting as it sounds.
Fantasy: There's even an outdoor wood burning furnace! We'll save SO much money on gas bills!
Reality: Oh no you won't. Prepare to spend at about $500 a month in the winter and then you better prepare your ass to go out in the freezing cold five times a day and at least once in the middle of the night to feed that beast or you will freeze because 111 year old houses have little to no insulation. Don't even think about slacking because if that fires goes out, so does your hot water. Have fun taking a shower in water the same degree as room temperature chicken skin.
Fantasy: The house's water is supplied by a well?! We have died and gone to Country Heaven. No more microbic city water for us, yay!
Reality: Have you ever drank well water? Go to your sink and get a glass of water. Now go outside, scoop up some dirt, and put it into your mouth. Take a drink, swish it around and swallow. Welcome to well water!
Fantasy: Tranquility at long last! No more busy body neighbors with their noses embedded in our anuses!
Reality: No neighbors = no witnesses. There's something to be said for safety in numbers. Go outside after the sun has set and the land is dark, and it is very very dark. The potentials of every horror movie you ever saw begin to manifest. The slight rustling of the brush becomes your inevitable slaughter at the hands of the would be psychopath lurking in the blackness, watching your every move. See those obscure shapes moving in the distance? Is it a group of mischievous dogs playing under the moonlight, or a pack of hungry coyotes eyeballing you up for dinner. How fast can you run?
